my whole life I have lived it being someone’s back-up plan, or the diversion so they could go see the one they love. I’m the one who stands watch while they sneak off and spend the time of their lives together. Its never been more apparent than now, sitting in the living room while my best girl friends have make up sex, and basking in the after glow of a renewed feeling of love and affection.
It’s not that by any means I am angry with them, more jealous.. jealous of te fact that they have found one another. Jealous of the fact that despite arguments and disagreements, that they can still manage to find one another, and remember how much they really care, and love each other.
I want that.
I want that feeling of security that only a loved ones arms can provide. I want to enjoy the simple comfort of cuddling up to someone and watching television with my friends on a tuesday night. I’m tired of always feeling like the odd one out, of always feeling like i’m a bother or a burden to a relationship. I would like to know that someone out there would want to be with me, not necessarily for the long haul, but for more than a weekend, a night, an hour.
It’s almost as if being pushed into “3rd wheel” situations is my constant reminder of how big a failure at relationships I really am. Its like the cosmos are trying to tell me that I am destined to forever be on the outside looking in. I would like to think that this isn’t the case, I mean after all i’m only 19 years old, and in essence I have years to find the right one for me. But even at only 19, it feels like a lifetime has passed, that MY lifetime is passing right on by me without a thought to see if I’m keeping up.
In a world where a majority of my close friends are pregnant, married, in long term relationships, it gets lonely. Being on the outside of every relationship, I find myself to be some what broken or dysfunctional. Some how missing some key element that makes you MORE than just the “3rd wheel.”
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