If you were me then you would to. You see, all I wanted the most in this world was to find someone to love me as much as I felt I deserved. Growing up in a broken fragile home I always felt that something was lacking. I knew that my parents loved me. I have sisters who always have my back, and the extended family who is loving and supportive enough to take me in, should things ever come to that. What I lacked was the person, the companionship of another person. The smell of a girl’s hair, or the strength of a man’s arms; I just wanted something. I wanted that feeling that there was someone out there in the world who would love me for me. Not because they were family and they were some how obliged. Not because we were in the same tiny class so we HAD to get along because there was really no other choice. I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, to make everything in my crazy, upside-down world alright again, to go on adventures with me(:
It’s not a lot to ask, I promise you. Or at least I didn’t think it was. I have only been dating for 2 years now, but they have probably been the 2 craziest years in my life to date. I have been abused in every way (verbally, emotionally, physically…). I have put up with shit, and settle for less than I deserve all because I thought that somewhere the grass HAD to be greener, it had to. Some where there was a world where my mother doesn’t drink, and my daddy could be around more, and I had someone, a best boyfriend that I could lean on when things did get rough. Instead I was the girl who had to leave because again I found myself in a pathetic, horrible situation. I was the girl who was moving on, finding better men and then falling for the same tricks all over. I was desperate to feel something.
It wasn’t until I was smacked in the face with the reality that I had created a future with someone who wanted nothing more than a weekend of fun. It wasn’t until then, when this perfect week turned to shit because I pushed for more and lost everything, that I realized how vulnerable, how naïve I had made myself. No one else did this to me, I made myself this way. I was my hero and the victim all at the same time and it was tiring. So I promised myself I would change, and boy have I. I am no longer that pathetic little girl who would do anything to desperately keep a man, but at what cost? Nothing that a man can say (daddy excluded), even my best friend, I don’t trust. I have become so scared of getting hurt that I question everything. I’m afraid that every man that enters my life is just waiting around to screw me over. Most would say I have finally found the instinct I have been lacking, but I just… I just… hate that this is what I have become. That this is what men (and one “lucky” lady) has done to me. They have made me afraid. I am the girl with baggage. I’m the girl who freaks out over everything because I am just too afraid to put myself out there, because every time I think that things are safe, there is always someone there to remind me why I can’t trust anyone with my heart.
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